


The Origin Story of Scully and Hitchcock (aka The Crime of the Red Rubyflowers)

by JoseCanseco



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Gen, Police Brutality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 14:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3814534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoseCanseco/pseuds/JoseCanseco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Mr. Scully, Mr. Hitchcock," says Captain Ray Holt. "Welcome to the squad."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Origin Story of Scully and Hitchcock (aka The Crime of the Red Rubyflowers)

Charles Boyle waltzes into the room holding aloft a cauldron.

"Nobody can resist my home-made Bernoulli cheese and tomato stew!" he proclaims, smiling largely.

The stew is distributed and the squad begins to eat it.

"Wow, Boyle this is really good," says Rosa Diaz. Even though her compliment is truthful and she does enjoy the stew, she still appears grumpy.

"Dang, Charles, how did you make it so yum yum in my tum tum," says Gina Linetti.

"I use only the finest home grown tomatoes," says Charles.

"I am truly curious to understand," says Captain Ray Holt, articulating precisely. "How did you grow such salacious and fulsome tomatoes when you live in a small New York City apartment lacking copulant sunlight and perquisite arable land."

"Ah! It's all thanks to a little something we call 'the quicker-grower-upper', the traditional Boyle family fertilizer."

"Just to clarify," states Jake Peralta, "Charles is not implying that 'the quicker-grower-upper' is made from traditional Boyle family poo."

"Actually..." begins Charles, his finger raised in a pose of correction.

Then the music starts to play and the members of the Brooklyn 99 make the same poses they must always make every week at this time. On the outside they look breezily cool, but secretly on the inside, they feel the hollow deadness.

"Okay," says Jake Peralta to his suspiciously diverse audience.

The room, consisting of members of the 99th precinct "Brooklyn 99" of Brooklyn, looks at Jake expectantly.

"Okay," says Jake again. It is Jake's turn to lead the squad meeting, but he does not know what to say.

"Let's solve a crime," says Peralta.

"How about the crime of the red rubyflowers," says Rosa Diaz.

"Are we participating in some episode of Hardy Boys detective fiction novelization?" articulates Captain Ray Holt precisely. "The name 'Crime of the red rubyflowers' suggests that we are."

"No," says Rosa. "I am a serious cop," says she, seriously.

"I, too, am a serious cop," articulates the Captain. "However, my last articulation was indeed an instance of jocularization."

They head off to the graveyard to investigate the ruby redflowers.

The graveyard is deserted except for two men. The officers introduce themselves and learn that the two men are named Scully and Hitchhock. They are accountants who are married to each other (gay marriage has been legal in Brooklyn since 1999, hence the name of the show), but celibate. They know nothing about the rubyflowers.

"Look! Over here!" yells the Sergeant. "Ruby flowers! They are red!"

They find several hundred thousand rubyflowers growing from one of the headstones.

"So what's the crime?" says Jake Peralta.

"People are getting high off these red flowers," says Rosa, with intense anger.

Amy Santiago (her first appearance this episode!) scrunches up her face in disgust when Rosa Diaz says the word "high".

"Let's do a stakeout," says Boyle.

"I'm too scared," says the Sarge. He goes home, but everyone else does the stakeout.

Two young men and one young woman approach the ruby redflowers and begin to pick them. Jake immediately nicknames the blond man Criminal Number 1, and the dark-haired man he calls Criminal Number 2. The woman looks sort of like Amy Santiago and he is immediately smitten with her. He nicknames her Abuela Senorita, because he thinks it sounds sexy (he has forgotten what abuela means). Later he wonders if he subconsciously picked this name because it has the same initials as Amy Santiago.

The cops rush out and handcuff the three young people.

"You are under arrest for wanting to get high from these red ruby flowers," says Rosa, who is really incredibly angry.

"Yeah!" says Charles Boyle enthusiastically! "The only high you're going to get is this high five!"

He puts up his hand in the high five position, but the young suspects are all handcuffed and cannot "five" him. Everyone else leaves him hanging. Jake Peralta sighs exasperatedly. He is used to these antics from his best friend Charles Boyle. He slowly starts to wonder why exactly Charles Boyle is his best friend.

Criminal Number 1 says something mildly impolite.

"Injure him!" yells Santiago, parched by bloodthirst.

Rosa performs the injuring.

They take the suspects back to the precinct. Jake manipulates the evidence so that Abuela Senorita is acquitted. Criminals Numbers 1 and 2 are sentenced to large prison time. Due to the injuring performed by Rosa, combined with poor prison medical care, Criminal Number 1 develops a chronic condition and dies at age 55, only shortly after being released from prison. Criminal Number 2 studies the economics of the prison black market and publishes several well-received papers in the top economics journals. He is offered many jobs at the best universities, but has to decline, due to being a criminal, and being in prison.

"Mr. Scully, Mr. Hitchcock," says Captain Ray Holt, articulating in the general direction of the two men he had met in the cemetery. "You have performed most excrescent and prideful work today. Welcome to the squad."

[P.S. In the next episode Jake starts dating Abuela Senorita. To his surprise, Abuela Senorita and Amy Santiago end up getting along well. One day, AS and AS are chatting in Spanish. Jake suspects they are talking about him so he asks Rosa to translate. Eventually Rosa is forced to reveal that she doesn't speak Spanish on account of the fact that she and her brother were raised by wolves (English-speaking wolves).]


End file.
